whoopee freaking da

My husband is selfish. What more can I say? I recognize that I am VERY angry right now, but it's a fact. All the dating bullshit was just that, bullshit. He put on this great front, caring about the things I cared about. Answering all the questions "correctly". And for what? Just so I would be stuck married to the son of a b..... for eternity. And since I don't believe in divorce, I'm stuck with him. Not only am I stuck cleaning up after him, making him meals, doing his laundry; but I'm stuck with being treated like shit.

In the two years we've been married, he has never ONCE supported me in the things I'm interested in. He supports me with words after I have to state my case and bring facts and statistics to him about the idea, but even after all that, he STILL says, "do you REALLY think having a vegetable garden is worth the initial cost and upkeep?" or, "do you REALLY think taking ballroom dancing classes will get you in shape? I think it's too expensive". Or I get this, maybe you shouldn't have quit your job, b/c we can't afford health insurance now." Well, it's too late for that! HAHAHA!

He travels so much and in the 5 months that we've owned this house, he's only mowed the lawn and stained the deck, and assisted in hooking up the washer/dryer/oven, and helped. I've ripped wallpaper down, I clean it weekly, I've stained thresholds on our new flooring, I've painted the shutters (which he said he would do, and then asked me to do it). I've ripped up bad landscaping, I've mowed the lawn when he wasn't home, I painted all the trim in the house and our bedroom. I've made his phone calls, returned his business emails, I do all the secretarial work for his business.

And I'm EXAUSTED! I'm sick and tired of doing EVERYTHING. He says he wants to hang out with me and go to home depot with me today to help me get the things I need to make my vegetable garden beds, and then we get in the car to go and he flips out at ME! Telling me 'why can't I just let him relax, he doesn't want to go romping through stores, he's been travelling for 6 weeks, bla bla bla'. Well, news flash! I didn't ask him to go!!! He told me he wanted to! Fucking A!

But guess where he is right now? He left to go to radio shack! LOL!

He is a selfish prick. period. He doesn't actively support me in anything that I want to do, and constantly makes excuses. His reasons for not doing something are justifiable somehow to him, but hurt me. Please can SOMEONE tell me something?

When one spouse constantly supports and encourages the other, shouldn't the other spouse, SHUT UP and do the same?

Puccini

Everyone knows that song, Puccini is famous for it. Well, I don't know what it is about opera, Puccini especially, but the music brings me to tears. As my ears are enveloping the sound, the lyrics, the instruments rising with the chorus; my body trembles, my skin tingles, my tears pour.
I don't know why music is such a part of my soul. Why God put such a love for it in me, why He gave me a gift to sing, but nothing. Was I supposed to pursue my passion with such vigor that I broke down barriers? Knocked down doors? Even if those doors were locked? Only God knows.

I think of all the music out there. Pop. jazz. rap. r&b. samba. rock, opera. There are so many artists out there that are famous for mediocre lyrics and mediocre voices. Yet, they're still famous. Some of them only make one cd, or have only one hit, and then they're done. Others still make many cd's and still don't know when to give it up. Then there are those who not only sing, but create. They create lyrics that people never forget. Melodies that people don't stop humming. Feelings that people forgot they even had.
That's what music does to me. Truly great musicians awake in me; excitement. Curiosity: for a past lover perhaps. Or maybe curiosity for love at all. Passion. Desire. Ecstasy. Delight. Rapure. Silliness. Anger. Hatred. Hurt.
Tonight, Puccini awakened curiosity. A curiosity for someone from years past. Desire for passionate, chaotic love and lust. Brokenness for those I've hurt. And pain from those who have hurt me.
I don't know if music awakens everyone, but if it doesn't I'm sure they haven't found the right kind of music to listen to.
The music that awakens the most in me is Opera. I haven't even been to an opera. I only hope that one day I am there, and the emotion that washes over me is so enrapturing that my body trembles, my skin tingles and the tears roll endlessly down my cheeks.

Bird watching

So I went to home depot today just to look around for a little flower pot for my new african violet. And I came out with our home's first bird feeder. Yep, It's totally cute. Well actually nothing special(it was the cheapest one they had, but it's still cute! :) ) It wasn't long after (about 30 minutes) that I put it up that I got my first bird! It was a cute little woodpecker. He is black and white striped with a white belly and a cute horizontal red streak that goes the width of the back of his head.
Even though soon after he found the feeder others joined him, he will always be close to my heart as he was my first. I was SO excited about him I wanted so badly to share it with my close friend, Chelsee. So I hope you read this Chelsee :) I can't wait till I get a bird book and find out what other pretty creatures come to visit.