lonely

yes, I am. I feel like every time I'm on this thing, I'm feeling some kind of negative emotion.
My friend Chelsee completely understands however and that is VERY encouraging :) Thanks, CHels.

I'm so over this. I think I'm feeling so bummed this time, b/c I wasn't over missing him last time he was home. After being gone a month straight, you need to be home longer than 2 weeks for me to stop missing you. Only two weeks left. And then he's home for the winter, with the exception of a weekend here and there.

Gosh, I'm lonely though. I went to church this morning and sat alone. Came home alone. Watched a movie alone. Went for a run alone. Sorted through receipts and paperwork alone. Sleep alone. Eat alone.
Had my amazing 10 minute conversation with my hunny on the phone (was relieved of my lonliness temporarily) and now am alone again. I'm really tired of being alone. It makes me depressed. I haven't spoken to anyone all day with the exception of my 10 minute convo with my Mark.

I informed him I was feeling depressed and he told me not to be that he'll be home soon. But it's easier for him. He at least works with people and talks to people. I work alone. I feel as if my heart should stop beating. Like if I could just sleep for the next few days at least it would take some of the pain away. But I am SO glad that this is the last of the travelling for a while. THANK GOD!

On a positive note, I gardened yesterday. Yep, got my flower beds in the front lawn all finished. built a rock wall rearranged plants, etc. :) I took some pictures for you to see Chelsee. The one above on the right is the before picture, then one on the left is the after. It does't look as good as the before one b/c of the time of year, but trust me. It's MUCH better now. :)

I am SO glad you can travel with your hubby. Isn't it a wonderful feeling? That heart swelling feeling when you are moments away from seeing him again? At least we don't have to worry about growing tired of them. :) They're not around enough for that to happen!! It definitely makes every moment that much more memorable and special.

I'm looking forward to feeling my heart swell. I need it.

life, love and all of the above

So, God must have heard my cry. Shortly after my last blog, my husband appears to have done a 180*. And not to just make it up to me. No. It's gone on too long to be short lived. He has been attending this Men's Fraternity thing at church about succeeding at home and at work and he is learning about a woman's needs. He is coming along beautifully. Everything from helping around the house to having deep intimate conversations to amazing yes. ;)

I do hope that only you read these Chelsee. :)

I finished watching all of the sex and the city episodes tonight. I have fallen in love with that show! Too bad it's over. I saw the movie first and then watched the show. But it left me thinking. I as a believer know what life is all about. God. It's about living our lives in honor to Him. That's what we are told and that is what we know to be true. However, what about all the aspects of living that happens around us that we miss or that we don't pay attention to b/c we're trying so hard to live for the Lord.

Now, I don't want this to come off wrong. I LOVE Jesus! And i love living for HIm. I just have a thought. Let's not miss out on life. The life that God has given to us to enjoy. Living is supposed to be fullfilling. Full of spontaneaity. Relationships. Adventure. Mishaps. Laughter. Love.

I want all of that. Not just some. All. I want deep meaningful relationships with a few girlfriends that last a lifetime. I want to travel and see and do new and exciting things. I want to laugh at myself and have others laugh along with me. I want to be able to have fun when the embaressing happens and have someone to share it with. I want girls nights out to chat and share about our daily happenings. I want to be married and be around my husband who loves me just the way I am. I have all of these things listed above, but not in the quantity or quality that I would hope for.

My friends are all at least half way across the country which keeps any of us from meeting more than once a year, if we're lucky. As a matter of fact, it has been over 2 years for some of them! I want all of us girls to live in one spot. For our husbands to actually meet eachother and get along. For us to all meet up for coffee or dessert. To have someone to share married life with, future babies with, trials with, secrets with. I want my husband to be around more than 7-9 months of the year. I want him around for the full 12!

I have a husband and he is phenomenal! But I miss him a lot too. Chelsee, I don't know how you do it, with your man being in the military. Gosh, you must get lonely. I do and I've been doing this for almost 3 years now.

I know one thing. I'm looking forward to winter. When the travelling stops and things slow down. At least for a few months. I miss him. I sometimes go days without speaking a word until he calls me for a blissful 10 minute conversation.

Oh, and have I mentioned I'm completely pmsing? :)

whoopee freaking da

My husband is selfish. What more can I say? I recognize that I am VERY angry right now, but it's a fact. All the dating bullshit was just that, bullshit. He put on this great front, caring about the things I cared about. Answering all the questions "correctly". And for what? Just so I would be stuck married to the son of a b..... for eternity. And since I don't believe in divorce, I'm stuck with him. Not only am I stuck cleaning up after him, making him meals, doing his laundry; but I'm stuck with being treated like shit.

In the two years we've been married, he has never ONCE supported me in the things I'm interested in. He supports me with words after I have to state my case and bring facts and statistics to him about the idea, but even after all that, he STILL says, "do you REALLY think having a vegetable garden is worth the initial cost and upkeep?" or, "do you REALLY think taking ballroom dancing classes will get you in shape? I think it's too expensive". Or I get this, maybe you shouldn't have quit your job, b/c we can't afford health insurance now." Well, it's too late for that! HAHAHA!

He travels so much and in the 5 months that we've owned this house, he's only mowed the lawn and stained the deck, and assisted in hooking up the washer/dryer/oven, and helped. I've ripped wallpaper down, I clean it weekly, I've stained thresholds on our new flooring, I've painted the shutters (which he said he would do, and then asked me to do it). I've ripped up bad landscaping, I've mowed the lawn when he wasn't home, I painted all the trim in the house and our bedroom. I've made his phone calls, returned his business emails, I do all the secretarial work for his business.

And I'm EXAUSTED! I'm sick and tired of doing EVERYTHING. He says he wants to hang out with me and go to home depot with me today to help me get the things I need to make my vegetable garden beds, and then we get in the car to go and he flips out at ME! Telling me 'why can't I just let him relax, he doesn't want to go romping through stores, he's been travelling for 6 weeks, bla bla bla'. Well, news flash! I didn't ask him to go!!! He told me he wanted to! Fucking A!

But guess where he is right now? He left to go to radio shack! LOL!

He is a selfish prick. period. He doesn't actively support me in anything that I want to do, and constantly makes excuses. His reasons for not doing something are justifiable somehow to him, but hurt me. Please can SOMEONE tell me something?

When one spouse constantly supports and encourages the other, shouldn't the other spouse, SHUT UP and do the same?

Puccini

Everyone knows that song, Puccini is famous for it. Well, I don't know what it is about opera, Puccini especially, but the music brings me to tears. As my ears are enveloping the sound, the lyrics, the instruments rising with the chorus; my body trembles, my skin tingles, my tears pour.
I don't know why music is such a part of my soul. Why God put such a love for it in me, why He gave me a gift to sing, but nothing. Was I supposed to pursue my passion with such vigor that I broke down barriers? Knocked down doors? Even if those doors were locked? Only God knows.

I think of all the music out there. Pop. jazz. rap. r&b. samba. rock, opera. There are so many artists out there that are famous for mediocre lyrics and mediocre voices. Yet, they're still famous. Some of them only make one cd, or have only one hit, and then they're done. Others still make many cd's and still don't know when to give it up. Then there are those who not only sing, but create. They create lyrics that people never forget. Melodies that people don't stop humming. Feelings that people forgot they even had.
That's what music does to me. Truly great musicians awake in me; excitement. Curiosity: for a past lover perhaps. Or maybe curiosity for love at all. Passion. Desire. Ecstasy. Delight. Rapure. Silliness. Anger. Hatred. Hurt.
Tonight, Puccini awakened curiosity. A curiosity for someone from years past. Desire for passionate, chaotic love and lust. Brokenness for those I've hurt. And pain from those who have hurt me.
I don't know if music awakens everyone, but if it doesn't I'm sure they haven't found the right kind of music to listen to.
The music that awakens the most in me is Opera. I haven't even been to an opera. I only hope that one day I am there, and the emotion that washes over me is so enrapturing that my body trembles, my skin tingles and the tears roll endlessly down my cheeks.

Bird watching

So I went to home depot today just to look around for a little flower pot for my new african violet. And I came out with our home's first bird feeder. Yep, It's totally cute. Well actually nothing special(it was the cheapest one they had, but it's still cute! :) ) It wasn't long after (about 30 minutes) that I put it up that I got my first bird! It was a cute little woodpecker. He is black and white striped with a white belly and a cute horizontal red streak that goes the width of the back of his head.
Even though soon after he found the feeder others joined him, he will always be close to my heart as he was my first. I was SO excited about him I wanted so badly to share it with my close friend, Chelsee. So I hope you read this Chelsee :) I can't wait till I get a bird book and find out what other pretty creatures come to visit.

OH Canada!

So,
Here I am in Canada. Didn't have any trouble getting across the border and I thought I might, since I used my old passport in my maiden name and just booked my tickey in my maiden name too :) hee hee. sneaky.
Don't have much time to chat, but I wanted to give you an update. It's really pretty here this time of year, but the past two days have been the beginning of the plague of flys. Yep, last time I was here the first week of September, they had so many flies, my father in law would sit with a fly swatter and smack them all over the walls, tables, chairs, floors, etc. It was quite a sight. So, it's beginning again. I went to take a shower this morning and I picked up my clothes and oula! a fly in my underwear. My underwear was clean mind you, so needless to say I had to go commando to my room and get another pair! Seriously, I took a shower with about 3-5 flies! And that's just the bathroom!
We had a big bar-b-que last night and I couldn't get over all the flies! I'm talking like about a hundred flies, on the deck, waiting for us to uncover the grill, the food, or put our food down. They are rediculous!
I've been taking a lot of pictures of this grand country and I will get them uploaded as soon as I can. Hopefully on my next entry.

Miss you chelsee !

dissapointment and excitement all wrapped into one.

yes, fellow bloggers, yesterday was supposed to be the day that my favorite little man(my baby brother Brandon) came out to visit me for the week. Well, it all happened so fast. First I was looking for a flight for myself to go to O CANADA with my hubby and in doing so found out that children under the age of 15 cannot fly alone without an escort if the flight has a layover. Well, after a moment of panic, my father getting angry, and my mom acting like a b-i-t-...you know the rest, and little Beester man crying, we found out for sure. N. O. There was no way around it, after his flight was booked and he was supposed to leave the next morning, they informed us they wouldn't let him on the plane if he went to the airport.

Big time bummer. I think I am possibly more dissapointed than the little guy as this was to be the highlight of his (and my) summer.

However, I was able to return more than half of the groceries I purchased at good ol' Kroger and got 60 bucks back :) food is very expensive these days!

And for the excitement part, I was now able to schedule my flight the same day as my hunny bunny and meet him in the air, the canadian air that is. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to get across the border, but oula! I put the ticket in my maiden name :) (haven't changed my passport to reflect my married name yet) After talking to some airlines and checking the passport website, I found, that since I didn't need any other form of id, it would work!

So now I am SOOOO excited! I will be in Canada for two weeks, so forgive me if I don't blog for a while. Where I am going, there is NOTHING. But it will be fun!

SO now instead of not seeing Mark for 6 weeks, I'll only not see him for 4! That still sucks, but hey! It's better!

Well, here goes a second blog

I have really been enjoying these last two weeks! Mark(my husband) has informed me that he doesn't ever want me going back to work for someone again! WOO HOO! I am really enjoying cooking and planning healthy menus. I've been travelling with him to Springdale last week. The hockey camp had 47 kids! It was a great camp...a LOT of work! I have been selling t-shirts and hats, chatting it up with the parents and helping Mark's other coaches with the off ice training. (this consists of circuit training, agility ladders and games like dodgeball). It's a lot of fun, but a lot of work too. The kids were calling me sergeant Summer. Surprising, right?

So, Mark is on the road again this week. He just left and I cried. Again. You would think I would be used to it by now, but apparently not. I cry EVERY time he leaves! I am excited however for tonight. I am going to church to find out what my spiritual shape is! I have filled out all these questions about personality and then someone looks over them and tells me where I'd be best suited to serve in the church. I'm excited b/c I have wanted to get involved, but I don't want to do something I don't enjoy. Then it's not really serving, it's just obligation.

Also, my little brother Brandon is coming out to see me on Tuesday of this week. I'm SO excited! I've got all sorts of fun things planned for him and I to do! I may need to cut his visit short and send him home early though, b/c Mark needs me in Canada for two weeks and he's leaving the 8th. I also have to find out if I can still use my passport with my maiden name on it. Chelsee, you may know the answer to this! Let me know!

My cleaning business has received one call so far, but the lady wanted me to clean her 3000sq. ft. home for 70 bucks! No can do! I'm only charging 5c a square foot and I think that's very reasonable! Anyway, that's it for now!

The Beginning

so this is my first blog. I will see how I do at this. I have been inspired by my bestest, Chelsee who is living in Okinawa, Japan with her new hubby. She does a wonderful job at this blog thing, and I can only hope I will do as well as she.
My job is now over. I am nervous about starting my own business as I am waiting for my ad to go into the Life in Chenal magazine next week. I REALLY hope I get a lot of response from it as it will help me make some money! :) and we all know how much money is needed. As for now, I just have been enjoying my first week without having to go into that stupid office and deal with all the drama that ensues there. I am grateful to God for sure for providing me with this opportunity to help my husband with his business and to start my own thing.
For those of you that don't know, I am starting my own house cleaning business called Clean Green!. I will be using 100% organic/biodegradable cleaning products. With the economy struggling as it is, I am definitely nervous about starting a business, but hey! you gotta take risks in life or you get NO where! All I know is, I'm so tired of building someone else's dream. It's time to build my own with my hunny bunny! :) WOO HOO!

I guess that's it for now. Chels, if you read this, can you help me make it pretty like yours?